I have recently seen the light. At age 43 I have come to realize that all my life I have approached this dating ritual completely wrong.

Silly me, I thought that the way you find your soul mate, someone to share your life and your dreams, was something to be approached seriously, and, most importantly, privately. Well, here it is the dawn of the 21st century, and I seem to be hopelessly mired in these quaint, antique notions of marriage as a lifelong commitment and a sacrament of God.

Now, thanks to the FOX TV network, I see how wrong I've been. Inspired by their ground-breaking hit TV series, I am happy to announce auditions for my own contest entitled: WHO WANTS TO MARRY A COMBAT! FAN?

Since I am neither a well-funded network nor a multi-millionaire, I cannot quite attract the same cross-section of the American public as did "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" Grumpy critics decried the show as a tribute to bad taste and a crass display of society's moral bankruptcy. Well, let the negative nabobs natter, the show was a run-away success for the FOX network...at least, in terms of ratings. And, since everyone participating in the show signed pre-nuptial agreements and anullment clauses, there was no shadow of real commitment or life-time ties and entanglements hanging over the proceedings.

The show had cross-appeal for people looking for love and looking for loot. It had charms for both the lovelorn and the wealthy-in-waiting. Of course, I suspect the FOX premise would have worked well if you had replaced the noun multimilloinaire with almost any other noun.

Can you see it: Who Wants to Marry an Multiple Murderer? Considering that even a Menendez boy can find love and marriage behind bars, the notion obviously would hold an appeal for a certain segment of the public. The incredulous would tune in, too, in mass numbers, almost guaranteeing another ratings blockbuster.

From the recent ruling in New Hampshire, we know there'd be participants and an audience for Who Wants to Marry a Lesbian? FOX missed a goldmine here when it opted to discard their marriage-by-network series. I'm sure the public would have flocked to such other FOX shows as Who Wants to Marry a Cuban Refugee?, Who Wants to Marry a Manic-Depressive?, and Who Wants to Marry a Starving Poet?

I'm happy to pick up the ball for FOX and will start interviewing likely candidates to particate in "Who Wants to Marry a COMBAT! Fan?"

Just like on the original show, I'll have to limit the participants at the taping to just platoon strength. I'm sure I'll have to cull down the numbers from the thousands who will respond to the ad for participants.

I'm still looking for a good network to carry the proceedings, but I'm hoping to hold the event at the Las Vegas Hilton, where we can gather the full platoon and put the happy bachelors on parade. After a week of intensive night maneuvers, I'll whittle the platoon down to a single squad.

During the broadcast at the Hilton, the fan-in-waiting will be secreted in a sealed bunker, watching the proceedings by closed-circuit television.

On the stage of the Hilton, we'll have the compatibility quiz to better get to know our privates (and corporals and sergeants). These questions will be put together by my close friends and family who know me best, and also questions from a few total strangers, too, because you don't want to put such a decision totally in the hands of people who actually know the people involved!

Next will be the uniform competition. Squad members will appear in a uniform of their choice. Want to give that sweaty, glistening look of a rugged man in the field, wear your fatigues; or, want to project that air of authority, wear your officer Class-A's. Whatever you think will most appeal to this COMBAT! fan, give it a shot.

From this select squad, the judges will winnow the group down to a section of just 5 soldiers. We'll next see the section appearing in tuxedos, ready at a moment to become the groom and to storm the bunker!

While in their formalwear, the remaining soldiers will be asked intimate questions, such as what three things would you take with you on a private night patrol? What MREs would you serve for a season one episode?

In the spirit of Combat!, no final determination will be made of the lucky winner. Instead, we'll have a special effects team rig the area between the stage and the bunker with various explosives and booby-traps. The soldier that first successfuly storms the bunker and rescues the COMBAT! fan will be our lucky groom for the night!

So, if you want to participate, send me an email or post your message here. Explain why you want to be one of the platoon vying for the chance to marry a COMBAT! fan.

Since this is the year 2000, I won't put down any silly requirements on possible participants.

Already married? No problem!

A criminal history? Hey, just send in the details!

Flat-busted broke and living in your parents' basement? Well, let's not be ridiculous here, a girl's gotta have some standards!

By Dana Eugene Creasy (Deecee322) on Unrecorded Date:

Jo, baby, I love it! As a network exec and producer, what a concept! It's crude, it's rude, it's tasteless, it's... phenomenal! We'll make millions! I can see it now... we can have divisions (so to speak) for the different types, rotating by weeks, like: "Who wants to marry a fan of William G. Kirby?" Or, for dear old Lyne, and a few others, "Who wants to marry a fan of Paul LeMay?" (gotta keep up in the international redistribution rights area... ancillary rights are big in the entertainment business!) And, hey! We could go on location for a show in Europe, "Who wants to marry a fan of the American Combat soldier?" , thus attracting the still not too small European military presence! It'd be STOOPENDOUS! Did you, by any chance, happen to see the two-parter on "Diagnosis Murder" last season, poing fun at the realty programming and the ilk on Fox, as the POX Network? Stephen J. Cannell played a callous, shallow, self-serving network producer... just like in real life! BTW... I'm 43. LOL

By Nancy LionStorm (349hvywpnscrew) on Unrecorded Date:

Brava, King Two!

That's the funniest parody I've read in a while. And how true! But the blue bird of happiness does show up in strange places, so you too may find your soul mate and your true love.

But beware of the fickle finger of fate! You know the old Chinese curse, "May you get what you wish for." Ouch! Having a Combat! fan for a 'ball and chain' may be harder than you think. What happens if one of you decides to go home to mother? Who gets the complete Combat! set of collector cards? Who gets Pierre's autographed beret? Saunders'camo helmet?

On the other hand, you may meet a charming and rakish 40-something year old grunt that's the spitting image of Rick Jason or Vic Morrow. Think of the fan fiction that such a G.I. Joe might inspire Jo to write! So go for it King Two! So long from your friendly 349th

- Heavy Weapons Crew

By Teri-Ann Osika (Greenrecruit) on Unrecorded Date:

Well Jo... once I stopped laughing at your "unusual" way of finding that soulmate, I got to thinking... so THAT'S the way I should have done it! And here little ole me just picked up Dodger at the bar at Recon '98. So why didn't you teach me this earlier? :-)

As for what happens when one of us goes home to mother, that hasn't occurred yet, although I get dibs on the dolls, or as Dodger calls them, "action figures".

BTW, how many cats do you know that have their very own German anti-tank mine sitting at the back door to protect them from other kitties? And who else but Dodger would give his mother-in-law a hand grenade for Mother's Day?

One whacko bunch lives in this house thanks to Combat! and you, Kimg Two!